May 2013
3 posts
On Suits
On Saturday I went to the New Yorker’s Passport to the Arts. By that, I mean that I skipped all the art stuff in favor of hanging out in Brooklyn and then went to the wrap party for the food and booze.
While there, I was chatting with my Immaculate Infatuation bosses (who, as usual, did a great job selecting said food and booze) about the website and future plans and they introduced me to...
April 2013
3 posts
Someone Is Catfishing Using My Photos! →
For those of you who are not familiar, catfishing is the art of pretending to be someone else online using photos found on the internet in order to make people fall in love with you. I myself was the victim of a pretty serious catfishing back in 2006 (before catfishing was even a thing - I could have a show on MTV right now).
In this instance, a reader of my Tumblr reverse-image searched my...
Dating Sucks, vol. 3
Her: You’re really attractive. I wish you weren’t so weird.
Me [In My Head]: What the fuck?
Me [Out Loud]: That's either the best or the worst backhanded compliment I've ever received.
“Ms. Stangl “looked at me and was like, ‘Do you want to fuck?’ and I’m like,...”
– Young Love, or why I never want to have children
March 2013
1 post
Last night while I was purchasing a pound of broccoli at the grocery store because it was the smallest available denomination by which one could purchase broccoli, I had what I thought was a brilliant idea:
There should be a store that sells produce and other perishables in small enough servings that they don’t go bad when purchased by single people who live alone!
About three seconds after I...
February 2013
2 posts
January 2013
2 posts
I Write Restaurant Reviews! →
My first review for Immaculate Infatuation went up today. It’s of a place called Pig & Khao (get it?) on the Lower East Side. You should read it. And all the other reviews on there.
November 2012
4 posts
Mr. Smooth
Last night I went to Immaculate Infatuation’s Turkey Leg Ball. Obviously, it was awesome. The food was excellent, I got drunk on Macallan, and it’s always a pleasure to talk to Stang and Steinthal.
But even as delicious as the four servings of Grits with Lamb Shank and the seven Mini Buttermilk Pies that I ate were, the highlight of my night was meeting one of my favorite writers,...
Dear Chipotle
When a customer orders pinto beans, instead of saying “Our pinto beans are cooked with bacon, is that ok?” your employees should say “Good choice, those are cooked with bacon.”
Mitt Romney Is A Piece Of Shit
bobbybigwheel:
Mitt Romney is a piece of shit.
I’ve said this a lot over the past year or so, but I really want everyone to know the exact reasons why he’s a piece of shit. Let’s take a look at his biography:
Mitt Romney is a piece of shit because he held down a gay classmate and cut his hair.
This was the first evidence we had that Mitt Romney is a piece of shit. We all do dumb stuff in...
October 2012
3 posts
“Obama had a 44%-40% advantage on which man seemed to care more about the...”
– I’m glad we’re focusing on the important stuff!
Maybe Romney should have walked up to each questioner and hugged them, so he could win this critical polling category.
Are You Crying?
In December of my senior year of college, I went to Miami with my family. While there, I went to a bar with my older brother and met Nicole. Nicole was way out of my league, and I was excited just to get her phone number. She was a local, and as luck would have it, I was returning for my Spring Break in March. We stayed in touch via text and AIM, quickly became mutually smitten (we mailed each...
2 tags
September 2012
3 posts
Anonymous asked: Wow, you're a douche. But I bet you get that pretty regularly, huh?
Anonymous asked: I go to U of M Law and I wish so bed we would've met. You're hot, funny, intelligent man who suffers from a superiority complex... just my type :P
Anonymous asked: Any more interesting dating stories?
August 2012
2 posts
Anonymous asked: Any advice for a 1L?
June 2012
3 posts
Dating Sucks, vol. 2
I’m a proud member of OKCupid. Considering that the last girl I dated I met on Twitter, admitting that I meet women on websites designed for meeting women is actually less embarrassing. It’s 2012 people meet on the internet now get over it.
Recently, I was a bit taken by one OKCupider in particular - a French-born fashion model. (The online options really aren’t half-bad.)...
May 2012
5 posts
Girls
I like Girls a lot. The show on HBO. Well, also the gender. But this is about the show.
I could love it. I should love it. Lena Dunham is absolutely hilarious, both as a writer and an actress. Zosia Mamet is excellent, Jemima Kirke is great, and Allison Williams is very pretty. The two main male characters are me split in half and hyperbolized, so much so that I’m afraid that Lena...
Guys
Max: Did you see Girls this week? I hate that I said that.
April 2012
3 posts
"Double Taxation"
A common refrain that you hear from people arguing against the increase (or mere existence) of a Capital Gains tax is that it constitutes “double taxation” - that money is taxed twice, once as income when it is earned, and again as investment gains after it is invested.
This argument is so absurd that it causes me actual physical pain to hear it. Money that you earn is taxed at an...
2 tags
Every. Time.
Person: You know who you remind me of?
Me: Brad Pitt? I guess I can see that. Thanks!
Person: (silence)
March 2012
3 posts
The Best Son
Mom: Can you help me with something on the computer? I get to download three free songs a week from the library's website, but I can't figure out how to get them to go into my iTunes.
Me: Jeez Mom, I'll just give you three dollars a week and you can buy the songs.
Dating Sucks
Finally, I thought. I didn’t expect it to take five months of New York living before I sat across from an attractive girl on the subway.
She and I exchanged smiles. My heart raced as I tried to figure out how to talk to her. She had headphones in, playing music loud enough that I could hear every word Beyonce sang. She wasn’t trying to make it easy.
Fortunately, she stood up at...
February 2012
6 posts
Anonymous asked: What are your favorite bars and restaurants in NYC?
Anonymous asked: Would you rather... sleep with a woman who needs to gain 15 pounds or one who could stand to lose 15 pounds?
Anonymous asked: So how short are you? (New to the tumblings)
Things You Don't Want to Hear on Valentine's Day
“How long have we been together? That’s it? Seems longer.”
“They were out of chocolates. I got you Skittles.”
“Sorry honey, the Mexican I ate last night is just going right through me.”
“C’mon, you didn’t REALLY want to go out to dinner, did you?”
“It’s a made up holiday. Like your birthday.”
“The...
Anonymous asked: Are you a Patriots fan in the land of the Giants?
January 2012
10 posts
Anonymous asked: You and datebynumbers should go out on a date!
Anonymous asked: The people want to know: what's your lawyering take on SOPA?
My Bachelor Rules
I’m not watching The Bachelor this year. Now that I’m a grownup with actual responsibilities like making copies and hole-punching those copies and putting those hole-punched copies in binders, I just don’t have the time to watch and recap it like I used to. Plus, I can’t steal my roommates’ jokes anymore so the recaps probably wouldn’t even be funny.
So in...
I Appreciate the Offer
On Friday night I went out to dinner a friend of mine, the inimitable Maxwell. (I really just wanted to use “inimitable” in a sentence. He’s not that great.) Afterwards, we parted ways. I went to my favorite place in the five boroughs, Upstate. I sat at the bar and made new friends, while downing oysters and beers. Well, it turns out that the beers they serve at Upstate are a...
