I’m sitting in orientation for the journal that I’m on and there’s a woman from the library giving us a talk. Choice quotes include:
"Don’t forget to show your ID to get in."
"There’s no food allowed in the library."
"Keep your voices down."
I fucking shit you not, she’s talking to a room full of 2Ls who have spent an entire year at this law school and is just standing there reading the library rules verbatim. Thanks for completely wasting my time.
Twice in the last few days I’ve answered my cell phone and someone other than the person who was on my caller ID was talking on the other end. When I do get a hold of the person who called, they say they also got connected to a different person. Is this happening to a lot of people?
I’m sitting in a presentation put on by our Career Services Office on how to navigate the interviewing process. The woman said that you should be sure to acknowledge phone calls that you receive with a return phone call, obviously meaning that you should return calls if you miss them and the person leaves a voicemail. Right after she said this, a hand belonging to a law review member went up.
"If you answer the call, does that count as an acknowledgement?"
Really? You think that after you talk to them, you should hang up and then call them back to thank them for the call? Good luck with that.
Want proof of how fair and evenhanded our justice system is? Plaxico Burress shoots himself in the thigh and gets sentenced to 2 years in prison. Donte Stallworth drives drunk and kills a man and spends 24 days in jail.
Female Friend:By the way, I think I'm scared of you.
Female Friend:I cant think of things that scare me much more than the idea of your scrutiny. I mean dying is up there, so are law school C's. But then there's your penetrating stare and its imperfection radar.
Yesterday I drove 11 hours from my home state to the flyover state where l go to law school. Some thoughts:
The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation is run by an idiot. On I-80, there were constant closures down to one lane, necessitating merges each time. The one-lane shutdown would last for about 5 miles, then open back up to two lanes. About 10 miles later, there would be another lane closure. This happened AT LEAST 7 TIMES, causing ridiculous and unneccesary traffic jams at each closure where cars had to merge to one lane. Shut it down to one lane for 30 miles and get all the shit done at once, then do the next 30 miles. Less merging = less traffic.
I saw a truck for Panther II Shipping and was reallllllllllly hoping that it was an exotic animal transportation service. It’s not.
I passed the Rutherford B. Hayes Presidential Center in Fremont, Ohio. I hope that if I ever become President my legacy is more impressive than a library in a town of 17,000 in the middle of nowhere, Ohio.
Things you never want to hear your GPS say: “Continue on Route I-80 West for 436 miles.” Thanks for the heads up, GPS lady.
As much as I enjoy dancing in the driver’s seat and exercising my vocal cords, driving 11 hours by yourself is boring.
In other news, I forgot how beautiful our house is. I’d live here even if I were a real grownup. We have a picket fence!
“I believe that the moon does not exist. I believe that vampires are the world’s greatest golfers but their curse is they never get a chance to prove it. I believe that there are 31 letters in the white alphabet. Wait…what was the question?”—Tracy Jordan
I had another interview today (last one this week, promise) and one of the attorneys kept on calling me normal. As in, “Jeez, you have pretty normal interests listed on your resume” and “You seem like a normal guy”.
If I were, for instance, an MBA student, I’d probably have been offended by the connotations of averageness that come along with being normal. As a law student, however, I’m pretty flattered to be considered normal.
One of the attorneys I interviewed with today had a neck tattoo. A NECK TATTOO. This is a guy who went to a good law school, clerked for a judge, and now works for one of the biggest firms in my home state. And he has a tattoo on his neck, a la Kenyon Martin. Sure, the execution is a little bit different, but it’s the same general principle.
I know you’re a really big Yankee fan and you live and die by the outcome of each and every one of their 162 regular season games. I understand. I’m sure you watch them all, not just the mid-August games against the Red Sox. I know you’re really proud of your team, especially since they just beat your own personal nemesis the Boston Red Sox.
If I wanted to know who won the Yankee game, I’d check ESPN, not Facebook. Oddly enough, I don’t recall any Yankee fans updating their status with game results when the Sox went 8-0 against the Yankees earlier in the season.
Still, the game-result updates weren’t as annoying as this one: "Watching the yankee game at bars outside yankee stadium…only thing that’s better than this is being at the game!!!! Beat that suckerssssss!!!"
No way! You’re watching the Yankee game at a bar in the general vicinity of Yankee Stadium!?! How did you swing that?! You must have a freakin hookup! Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re telling me you just drove to the Bronx and went to a bar? Holy shit! That’s brilliant! You’re right, no way I could beat that! I am a sucker!
On my way home from the gym this morning, I saw a kid sitting at the end of his driveway at a folding table holding up a sign. I assumed he was selling lemonade, but as I got closer and could make out the writing, I saw that the sign said, in multi-colored marker:
"Donate To My Charity"
Genius. I’m going to guess that the charity was more along the lines of Help Timmy Get a New XBOX than the American Cancer Society. If I had my wallet, I would have pulled over and given him a buck out of appreciation for his creativity.
I was at a bar in Yankee territory last night during the Sox/Yanks marathon game. Most of the people I was with were hanging out outside on a little patio, so I would go out to be social during commercials and go back inside to watch the game when it came on.
When A-Rod hit his walkoff, the bar erupted like a frat party that caught a glimpse of a female nipple. A friend of a friend who was outside drooling all over his girlfriend the entire night hears the commotion and runs inside and starts jumping around and screaming like a fucking ass clown.
Sorry dude, if you’d rather stand outside and explore your girlfriend’s mouth with your tongue than watch the game, you don’t get to celebrate along with your fellow “fans”.
I was really enjoying the recent surge in vampire popularity lately. I’ve always been a big fan of vampire books (not so much movies, as I generally don’t like horror films…um, they’re scary). When I stumbled across True Blood during Christmas break and watched all 12 episodes in the span of 24 hours, I was excited to have found a visual depiction of vampires that relied more on suspense than gratituitous gore for its thrills. I don’t like the gratuitous gore. Again, that shit scares me. It was right around then that I heard of Twilight, and while I heard it was directed at the angsty teenage girl audience, I figured that anything with a vampire as a main character couldn’t be that bad.
I was wrong. The second season of True Blood has eschewed good old fashioned suspense for sappy romance and indiscriminate bloodshed and sex. And now I’ve actually heard exactly what Twilight is about. A vampire who doesn’t even feed on humans? Fuck that. I know that angsty teenage girls love the idea of an handsome outsider with a secret, but that’s bullshit. “Oh, please, please, let me into your little inner circle. I want to know the real you! You can trust me!”
Here are a few book suggestions if you, like me, enjoy a “realistic” depiction of vampires:
The Strain, by Guillermo Del Toro and Chuck Hogan. Fucking fantastic book by the director of Pan’s Labyrinth. Just finished it today. Terrifying in parts, and not just because of the vampires. In many ways, it’s a frighteningly realistic depiction of how a modern-day apocalypse would go down. The first book in a trilogy, with book two coming in 2010 and book three in 2011. I can’t wait.
The Keep, by F. Paul Wilson. Wilson is, in my opinion, the best horror writer since H.P. Lovecraft and my current favorite author. The Keep is the beginning of the Adversary series, and I challenge you to read this book and not want to finish the other 5.
I’ve been reading this for a half hour now. It is fuuuucked up.
I think that the fact that he hadn’t had a girlfriend in 25 years and hadn’t gotten laid in 18 might have something to do with his hatred towards women. Kinda tough to find a lady friend when you think like this:
"Besides, dem young white hoez dig da bruthrs! LOL. More so than they dig the white dudes! Every daddy know when he sends his little girl to college, she be bangin a bruthr real good. I saw it. "Not my little girl", daddy says! (Yeah right!!) Black dudes have thier choice of best white hoez."
Is it supposed to be portmanteau of tumblr and popularity? Or is this some sort of Ray Kurzweil singularity thing where if someone becomes so obsessed with tumblr that their posting becomes so frequent and efficient that it reaches perfect, exponential efficiency, sucks up all the resources of the internet, causes tumblr to become self-aware and launch a world-wide nuclear strike, eradicating 98% of mankind and forcing the remaining humans to band together and fight back against tumblr?
All that to say, is tumblarity a good thing or bad thing? Should I be trying to increase it or trying to lower it to avoid destroying human civilization as we know it? Enquiring minds want to know.
All I know is that I have an un-fucking-healthy obsession with mine.
On my way home from the gym this morning I heard Taylor Swift’s latest single. Yeah, I listen to Top 40 radio in the car. Big whoop, wanna fight about it? Here’s part of the chorus:
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find That what you’re looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I’m the one who understands you Been here all along, so why can’t you see? You belong with me
Let me just make sure I have this right. You’re a gorgeous blonde 19-year-old who made $18 million last year and you’re having trouble picking up guys? The “Cheer Captain” is stealing your dream guy from you? I understand that pandering to angsty teenage girls sells records, but that’s a new level of absurdity.
There are a few simple rules that make everyone’s gym experience a lot more pleasant. My dad taught them to me when I was a teenager and I was first starting to work out. I realize not everyone has a gym-rat for a dad, so I thought I’d pass them along. It doesn’t matter how much you can put up or how long you’ve been going to the gym; if you’re not already doing these things, someone at your gym hates you.
Dress appropriately. Sleeveless shirts are barely acceptable, wifebeaters/tank tops are not. When you’re showing more skin, it means more of it’s touching the machines that I have to use. I realize you love to stare at yourself in the mirror and flex and wearing actual clothing inhibits your ability to do that. Trust me, everyone else will appreciate it. Which brings me to my next point.
Stop flexing in the mirror. I know your veins pop when you lift. I know you like how shredded you look right when you finish your set of curls. If you want to pose and preen, go into the bathroom where you won’t be in my way. Nothing frustrates me more than a guy standing in front dumbells I need to use while inspecting his forearm veins. Again, bringing me directly to my next point…
Don’t stand right in front of the dumbell rack. Sure, it’s convenient for you to just pull a set off the rack, stand right there and do your exercise, and put them back. Then you stay there and stare at your biceps to see if they increased at all in circumference after your last set. Then you repeat the process. Don’t fucking do that. You’re in everyone’s way and violating two rules. Pull the dumbells you need and go somewhere out of the way to do your exercise. You might not be as close to a mirror, but you’ll be way less obnoxious.
Put it away. I’m sure you’re really proud that you just benched 135 and you’re going to text your girlfriend about it as soon as you leave the gym. I, on the other hand, am not impressed. Clear your weights when you’re done with them. If I see weights on a bar, I assume it’s in use. This goes for cable equipment too. When you’re done put it back, and put it back in the right place.
No cell phones. Should be common sense, but it’s apparently not. I can’t even fathom how someone could think it’s appropriate to make a phone call in the middle of a weight room. No texting either. It can wait an hour. If it can’t, you probably shouldn’t be at the gym.
Wipe it down. You know if you sweat a lot. If you do, wipe down the equipment you use. It’s not my job to clean up after you. If you’re not a big sweater and you’re appropriately dressed, you don’t have worry about this one. Just make sure you’re not leaving sweat stains on benches.
Pay attention. I know you’re really into your workout. You’re in the fucking zone. I understand. But when you sit on the lat pulldown machine for 3 minutes between sets, you’re 1. not helping yourself and 2. annoying others. First of all, there’s no way you need 3 minutes of rest when you’re using 90 pounds. Second of all, if someone is pacing around the machine you’re using sneaking glances at you, ask him (or her) if he (or she) wants to work in. In the 45-60 seconds that he (or she) takes to perform a set, you’ll be perfectly rested and ready for your next set. You’re having a more efficient workout and you’re being polite. It’s win/win/win.
I probably have a ton more of these, but these are the only things that annoyed me when I was at the gym today. It really boils down to one thing: be considerate of others.
Second weird fact of the day: I got a 690 on my math SAT’s in high school and somehow thought 2 was twice as many as 0.
I can’t believe Bill Simmons (the Sports Guy, if you don’t know) graduated from high school 15-20 years ago and still remembers what he got on the math section of his SATs. Though he apparently failed the apostrophe-usage part of the verbal section…