These women scream way too much for females who are not teenagers.
Ella (about the road trip): “I’m a Tennessee chick, I’m a country girl, so this is like down home for me.” Yes Ella, we know that your hometown friends are impressed by your time in motor vehicles, but no one else is.
Don’t motorcycles stop being badass at age 20 or so and just get kinda stupid?
Gia: “If there’s one thing I always wanted to do, it was go to a vineyard.” Really? That’s pretty attainable. It’s not like winning a Nobel Prize or performing at Carnegie Hall. Just…go to a vineyard.
That was the worst game of hide and seek I’ve ever seen. I was a better hider when I was 4 and thought that closing your eyes made you invisible.
Is there anything more obnoxious than discussing a kiss immediately after the kiss? If that doesn’t scream “I have no confidence in my kissing abilities!”, I don’t know what does.
Jake: “She’s from New York. I would imagine she thinks we’re gonna do, like, steaks…” Yes Jake, that’s all that people eat in New York. Steak. Three meals a day.
I hope I’m not the only one who noticed Jake arranging his shirt over his boner when he stood up after making out with Gia.
They just mentioned that Jessie was driving the stuck dune buggy…Who’s Jessie?
Bren, I see the wine glasses I bought you made an appearance on The Bachelor. Apparently I have impeccable taste.
Tenley does the hand-on-the-back-of-the-head-while-hugging move. Love her.
The “Romance” room had quite possibly the ugliest decor I’ve ever seen. How is old looking, washed-out blue leather romantic?
Tenley’s ex-husband (and Tiger Woods), I hope you’ve learned your lesson. If you’re gonna cheat, you need a prepaid cell phone.
Tenley also does the hand-on-the-back-of-the-head-while-kissing move, which is fine in small doses, but it seemed like she was grabbing his neck and pulling. I’m less in love.
Jake: Vienna, there’s a reason all those girls don’t like you. Stop sucking. (I may have paraphrased)
Is there this much repetitive, simplistic relationship talk every season? It feels particularly tiresome and shallow this year.
Jake: “I love Ethan. He is such a neat little guy, I really like him a lot.” Can he come out and play? Aw shucks, he has homework? I’d love to help him, but I never got to long division.
Jake: Kathryn, you should go home. Kathryn: Are you sure? Jake: Yeah, good point, you should stay. …Did she think he’d change his mind? And if he had, would she have stayed? It’d be a little awkward.
Tenley, even though you’re a really cute crier, it gets old when you cry every day at absolutely everything.
Jake’s “all about” shots! It’s like he’s in college! Except way dumber!
They did a really good job of making Jake’s exit to look for Chris spontaneous…NOT.
Who let Jake wear his own tie to the rose ceremony? No way a “wardrobe consultant” like Corrie could fall for a guy who would wear that tie.
What exactly does a 31 year-old see in a bunch of immature 23 year-olds? Oh right, I forgot for a second that Jake has the brain of a 12 year-old. BOOBS!
I love that the remaining girls still feel like they need to “warn” Jake about Vienna. You’ve all done it multiple times, listening is not Jake’s forte.
See you next week for another two hours (I miss the days of hour-long episodes) of “The Bachelor: Special Ed.”
Paul:I think you definitely rush the court if its a close game in that situation. But it was kinda pointless once the game was over and we were in the Final Four last year...its not like we sucked. At least we're unranked in one poll, and they are #1. I like debating this topic, I want to write a rule book for it.
Me:It'd be a short book. I think you pretty much covered it.
I was at the gym today playing pickup and I saw a guy who had a tattoo of the AND 1 guy on his arm. For those of you who aren’t familiar with AND 1, it’s a basketball clothing brand characterized by a faceless, ripped dude and insulting phrases, like this:
Between the ages of 10 and 14, I wore nothing but AND 1. I’m pretty sure this four year span of t-shirts, mesh shorts, and sweatpants accounts for why I only started to wear jeans regularly this year. (In college, if I wore jeans and a hoodie, people would compliment me on my outfit and ask why I dressed up. That was when I learned the art of managing expectations.)
Anyway, after seeing the tattoo and looking down at the AND 1 shirt I was wearing (“Pass. Save yourself the embarrassment.”), I found myself thanking my lucky stars that you have to be 18 to get tattoos. If you could get them at 13, I’d definitely be walking around with the AND 1 guy and “Call me the bus driver, cause I’m taking you to school” tattooed somewhere on my body.
Sadly, I’m over the age limit. I was too young for the first boy band craze (I maintain that I would have easily made O-Town if I were four years older, that Hawaiian dude sucked) and I’m too old for the apparently forthcoming one. Talk about being born at an inopportune time.
I was really surprised when Calhoun signed his five-year extension a few weeks ago. I thought this would be his last season, given the ridiculous amount of medical problems he’s had. I didn’t, however, think he’d quit halfway through the season after losing to an unranked team. Still, while the timing is a little suspect, I don’t doubt that he does actually have health issues. He probably had a mini-stroke yelling at Stanley to be more aggressive. Or at Ater to stop traveling every time he touches the damn ball. Get well soon, Jim.
Michelle: “I think of myself as very attractive, and Vienna - she’s totally opposite of who I am, as far as what I see on the outside.” There’s a 65% chance that Michelle draws blood from someone this season. 50% chance it’s from another girl, 80% chance it’s from Jake.
Jake just called himself and Vienna “a couple”. Good to see that the women on this show aren’t the only ones who jump into these things much too quickly.
Jake: “My first kiss with Vienna is unlike any first kiss I’ve ever had in 31 years.”…Because I was upside-down. I felt like Spiderman. It was awesome.
Vienna sucks. Jake’s boring. Both love prancing around unclothed. Match made in heaven?
Don’t they get sick of the constant relationship and what-I-want-in-a-perfect-mate talk? These are the shallowest deep conversations I’ve ever heard.
Corrie is so much more attractive without all that first-night makeup on. She might be becoming my favorite. Great eyebrows.
Crier count - 1. The “calm, collective girl” is crying. I bet she confuses insure and ensure all the time too.
I really liked Tenley’s stand up routine. Jake and the other two guys who watch The Bachelor did too.
Michelle: “When I finally kiss Jake, it will definitely be long and passionate. Soft. Crazy, tongue in your mouth. Going…crazy with the pulling hair, whatever, you know, ripping the clothes off…” Let’s raise those blood-drawing chances up to 90%.
Tenley is an ADORABLE crier. Very underrated quality. You don’t want a girl who’s ugly when she cries. Just a little lip quiver, some eye-tearing, maybe a few actual teardrops. No runny nose, no contorted face, no never-ending streams of tears…Tenley has it down.
Jake: “I’m not a serial dater, I don’t have more than one girlfriend at a time.”…Unless I’m on national television. Then it’s cool.
Michelle: “Not that I’m desperate.”…The last few weeks where I’ve seemed really desperate and completely insane? That’s just my game. How I reel all the boys in.
Michelle: “Would it be awkward if I asked if I could kiss you? To see if I really feel something? For me?” Not gonna lie, I regularly pull that line (well, the middle quarter of it), but I don’t make it a weird ultimatum. You have to make it cute and bashful. Amateur.
Michelle and Jake just had the single worst interaction I’ve ever seen on The Bachelor. She made him kiss her, insulted his kissing abilities then told him she was leaving. He must be a TERRIBLE kisser. “I definitely would have sent Michelle home." Just call me Mr. Cleo, motherfuckers.
Vienna’s a bad crier. Too much face contortion.
Yeah, let’s introduce Ella’s kid to Jake on their first date. That’s a good idea. Get him excited for a new daddy a week before he sends her home. ABC - breaking kids hearts.
Jake’s really good with kids because he reads at a 6th grade level.
Ella: “The fact that he thought enough about me to bring my son here today tells me that he is feeling that also. You know, I really don’t think that he would bring Ethan and not be feeling that undeniable connection.” Ella clearly doesn’t understand how reality television works…
Ella: “He looks like he could be Ethan’s daddy.” Jake, were you at Rattlesnake Bar and Grill in Knoxville, TN on November 8th, 2002? It was a Friday night…? Ella got pretty drunk, she was singing “I Touch Myself” on the karaoke…?
Jake: “I know couples who have elected not to kiss for spiritual reasons…” Wait, what? Seriously?
Elizabeth’s pretty cocky for being a single 29 year old from Nebraska. She has at least 3 cats. Guaranteed.
Who the hell was Valishia? Was she on the show the last two weeks? I’ve never even seen her before. I think Jake didn’t want to get rid of any of the other girls so they spliced in three shots of a random chick throughout the show and gave him an extra woman to eliminate.
Elizabeth - when other girls are shoving their tongues down a guy’s throat at every chance they get, refusing to do so doesn’t make you hard to get. It makes you forgettable. You would have lasted at least two more weeks if you hadn’t tried to be mysterious.
Having 15 women shriek and clap every time you walk in the room would be really fun…for about a 8 seconds.
"Usually I’m in like bridal magazines…" (translation: "I’m not a very successful model…")
Christina’s actually pretty funny…she’d be awesome if she wasn’t ugly. And wasn’t a sad drunk.
"Gia, I have some questions for you. So…exactly how much plastic surgery have you had?”
I’ve never seen grown women scream with excitement so much. They’re like 13 year old girls at a Backstreet Boys concert in 1999. Trust me, I went to one.
Why is Ali wearing a strapless canary yellow silk dress and a $500K necklace while Jake is in jeans and a polo shirt?
Michelle: “What’re you doing, you’re supposed to be with me. I am that woman. The one woman that he’s looking for. I’m not ordinary like the other women. I have so much love to give. I’m just the nice girl that everyone hates. Jake showed me that he didn’t want to be with me, so, tough for him.” They met 24 hours ago! Michelle has a SERIOUS Fatal Attraction vibe going. It’s really creepy.
Chicago was the big musical get this season? Really?
An accurate transcription of Tenley opening up: “That’s exactly what I was going to say. Those heartbreaks have, um…you know…um…yeah…so…but while we were talking the other night…”
I was at Flex Mussels with a friend, sitting at the long counter you can see here. Right next to us there were two people who were pretty obviously on a blind date.
The guy was wearing a purple v-neck sweater over a pink oxford. Solid chance he was colorblind. I’m pretty sure the choice of a v-neck was well thought out, as his black choker was prominently on display. It looked sort of like this…eerily similar to the one I wore throughout my freshman year of high school (I bet you looked like a loser in high school too).
Soon after we sat down, he started bragging about his green belt in some martial art and talking about the fights he’s been in. She was eating it up, giggling and twirling her hair.
The waiter asked him if he wanted another beer. He replied with, “You know, I think I will take another one of these bad boys.” Easily the coolest way to order beer I’ve ever heard. We had to stop listening at this point since we were both audibly laughing while staring at the couple.
I have a feeling this guy goes on a lot of first dates and not very many second ones.
How does posting one’s bra color as a Facebook status do anything for breast cancer? Is it supposed to “increase awareness”? If it is, good job, because I definitely would not have been aware of breast cancer if not for all the “pink” “black” “tan” and “nothing!” status messages popping up on my news feed.
Good work, ladies. We’re overcoming breast cancer one status message at a time.
I watch The Bachelor. I have since 2006, when I fell in love with Moana. Now that that’s out of the way, here we go.
First, I liked Jake’s predominant choice of clothing so much that I’m going to start dressing like him. Excuse me while I take my shirt off. I’m a little surprised he didn’t show up for the rose ceremony shirtless. Cmon, ABC, guys watch this show too. I know at least two, including myself.
I’m very excited for the first high-definition season of The Bachelor. We can finally see what these ladies really look like. Cake-up, anyone?
Did ABC fire their men’s hairstylist? Jake’s hair looks like every guy I knew in 9th grade.
First impressions of the girls:
Ali - Adorable. From Mass and no hint of an accent. Big plus. She’s awesome. That cheating story makes me a little nervous though. How did she not know her boyfriend was cheating on her in her own apartment? She’ll be Top 5.
Alexa - Kinda weird looking. Long in the face.
Tenley - Awesome streching-in-swimsuit intro montage. The virgin-divorcee stuff got a little weird though. Let’s save that for the tenth date, not our introduction. Cute and crazy. She’ll be Top 5 if she can control the crazy.
Elizabeth - Chick in the military? Cute, but no thanks.
Rozlyn - Whoa. Too hot to be sane. She’s hiding something. Won’t be Top 5, definitely something going on there.
Christina - Bad hair and fat arms. She’s getting sent home soon. “I’m a guys girl” = no one likes me.
Vienna - UCF and a garbage major? How did that 980 on the SAT treat you? Purse dog? Dad’s bought 5 cars? Can’t even count the red flags.
Ashley - Something off about her. Crazy eyes, maybe? Can’t pinpoint it. You’re 29 and your mom’s buying you lingerie…? Not normal.
Elizabeth - Those eyes…wow. Gorgeous face, weird cleavage.
Ella - A 29 year old with a 7 year old son? No thanks. “How does it feel to be talking to the woman that you’re going to marry?” “No idea, please get back in the limo and go home, nutjob.”
Gia - Wow. A little plastic-y. Good nose job, but her fake tits are too big and she has bad lip injections. Pretty sure I’ve seen her in porn. Seems sweet though. She’ll be Top 5.
Kimberly - Nba dancer! That’s a dream of mine. Yes please.
Michelle - Cute, great eyes.
Emily - Adorable. The space between her front teeth is small enough that it’s endearing. Should be Top 5, but won’t be.
Jessie - “Do you have a registry for these guns?” “Um…like a wedding registry? That doesn’t even make sense.” Terrible opening line.
In all, easily the best looking group we’ve seen in some time.
Oh, look, it’s Jake’s abs! Haven’t seen them in 20 minutes. And they fixed Jake’s hair. He probably doesn’t even need the show now that he got rid of his high school hairdo.
I love the way these women glare at each other. It must be terrifying to be in the crossfire.
Jake throws like a girl. I would have made the producers cut the entire football sequence if I were him. Where do they find guys who are ripped and still completely unathletic?
Michelle, no matter how cute you are (and you’re really cute), if you cry the night I meet you, I’m going to think you’re completely fucking insane. I love that she’s saying crazy shit (“I’m here to marry you, even though we just met 20 minutes ago”) and he’s trying to downplay it and make it sound less crazy, and she’s like “No, goddamnit, I mean it, I AM insane!” She is just vomiting crazy all over the place.
New Bachelor drinking game: take a shot whenever you hear “connection” or “right reasons”. Enjoy your alcohol poisoning by minute 20 of the show.
I’m not enjoying Tenley’s baby voice. Oh jesus, now she’s crying. Is two criers on the first night a record? I think it might be. Tenley’s having trouble keeping the crazy hidden.
Jake said one funny thing tonight. Looks like we have another boring-ass bachelor and 25 women who will fake-laugh at everything he says.
High definition makes the rose ceremony way more fun. You can see the sweat on the womens’ brows as they start to get nervous. Going to be a great season.
I definitely would have sent Michelle home and kept Tiana or Emily. I’d be willing to bet that ABC had a hand in Michelle staying on. Two more criers. Brings the total to four for the night, almost certainly a record.
Things to look forward to this season: high definition, Michelle crying every episode, Rozlyn pulling some sort of crazy shit, Ali being completely adorable and losing, catfights between Gia and Rozlyn, and lots and lots of shots of Jake shirtless.
I went to my hometown gym this morning to begin to remedy the damage I did to my body over the last 5 days. The first person I saw when I walked into the weight room was a guy who was a senior when I was a freshman in high school and I hadn’t seen since he graduated. We’ll call him Pete.
I generally don’t mind seeing kids from high school and catching up briefly (“So…what’re you up to?” “Oh, you know, just bartending at [town bar], living with [knocked up high school girlfriend].”), but this guy and I sort of had a history. At least I thought we did.
We were both on the basketball team, and given that I was the only freshman on varsity for most of the year (the other one broke his hand by punching a wall after missing a layup…in practice) I was sort of the team whipping boy. However, when I was a precocious little 14 year old I didn’t take well to people with no actual authority ordering me around.
About halfway through the year, I was sick of fetching jerseys and chasing down errant balls. During an otherwise non-eventful practice one day, Pete told me to do something. I said no. He repeated his order. I said no again.
He spit in my face.
To make a long story slightly less long, we had to meet with the coach and the AD and all that business to make sure I wasn’t being hazed, but nothing came of it.
So I see Pete this morning and he walks right up to me and gives me the handshake-hug with a huge smile on his face. He’s still 3 inches taller and 80 pounds heavier than I am, so I smiled right back. He started telling me what he’s been up to since high school - he joined the Army, was deployed in Baghdad, and is now on his way to being a police officer. I was nodding and smiling the whole time while thinking "Do you just not remember spitting on me? Do you spit on a lot of people? I feel like that’s something I wouldn’t forget."
As he’s wrapping up his story, he says, “You know, it’s been good for me. I was such a fuckup before, I needed the Army to straighten me out.”
I replied, “A fuckup, huh? You mean like when you spit in my face during basketball practice?” and walked away.
Alright, fine, I stood there and smiled and said I was happy for him. But I WANTED to walk away. Damn my parents for raising me to be polite.