I’m at the airport right now for the first leg of today’s trip. While going through security, my shoes were selected for “additional screening”. I know it’s part of his job description, but I feel bad for the poor motherfucker who had to screen my 5 year old gym shoes.
I’m developing a hunchback from tucking my head down while walking into driving snow. Gotta love Michigan winters. Fortunately, I’m leaving Friday to go on Spring Break…in a place that’s colder and snowier. But it has huge mountains and I’ll be wearing snowboarding goggles most of the time, so it will be quite a bit more fun than squinting while walking to class.
Bachelor Thoughts, Pre-Finale Pre-Final-Reunion Reunion Show
First, I’m sorry this is late. I had to watch UConn play themselves back into tournament contention. UCONN! HUSKIES!
Second, I’d like to say I fucking hate these shows. Especially the pre-finale ones. We get it ABC, The Bachelor is your only moneymaker. Stop drawing it out. I’m really looking forward to the 20 minutes of new footage we’ll see tonight. Thank god for DVRs.
Three minutes in and I’m already fast-forwarding. Not a good sign.
I still don’t get how Jake has friends who never kissed until they were married. Blows my mind. I’m glad I’m not from the south.
Out of the first 10 minutes I watched 30 seconds. Fantastic.
The catering companies for the Bachelor Reunion parties in Vegas should spike their food with arsenic. Or anthrax. Or something. The average IQ in the US would go up 3 points instantly.
I love the hypocrisy in a group of people who went on a show to find specifically to find love, don’t find love, then all go on vacation together and have orgies.
Apparently former contestants have “connections” and “bonds”. I think regular people call those “identical STD strains”.
Rozlyn is the “most controversial figure on TV in 2010”? Chris Harrison has clearly never heard of Tim Tebow’s mom.
[skipping over the self-fellating “volunteer” work the old contestants allegedly do. “Are we done shooting yet? Don’t we have enough footage? I have a legendary hangover right now. You guys are covering my bar tab tonight, right?”]
Corrie looks amazing. If she’s the next Bachelorette (and she’s not, Ali will be [if she can get enough vacation days this time]) I’m in.
Goddamn this is boring.
Nevermind. “Vienna…that fucking white trash trailer park whore?” Wow. Glad they saved that one for this show.
Chris Harrison is wearing a really ugly, enormous square watch.
Elizabeth is a Nanny in Imperial, Nebraska. Who needs a Nanny in Nebraska? How the hell do you get a job as a Nanny in Nebraska? Was there a Nanny agency that only placed Elizabeth and then went out of business right after?
This Rozlyn shit all seems really contrived. Chris is asking really “probing” questions and the women are suddenly coming up with specific examples of them hooking up that were never mentioned before? Please.
Gia: “Blah blah I’m sad blah blah boo hoo.” Fast forward.
I forgot how batshit insane Michelle is. This has been a good little reminder.
Ali just had a shockingly coherent, reasonable explanation as to how The Bachelor isn’t a shitty way to find a mate. I’m speechless. I have no comment. Point, Ali.
On second thought, she did sort of gloss over the whole dating-25-people-at-the-same-time aspect of it.
Ali: “Blah blah I’m sad blah blah boo hoo.”
Ali: “If I knew what I know now, yes I would have chosen love over my job.” Translation: “I got fired anyways.”
When Rozlyn waved at the girls and none of them waved back…was that great editing or did that actually happen? Either way, it made me laugh.
Valishia (who the hell is that, by the way?) has kids and her occupation is “Homemaker”? So…she hangs out at home lives off her child support/alimony? Yeah, she’s marriage material.
If Rozlyn and her producer-dude were cuddling 24/7, HOW IS THERE NO FOOTAGE OF THIS? Aren’t there 3 or 4 camera crews in this house at all times? (Rozlyn made this point 15 minutes after I did. Go me.)
Wouldn’t “lying on stairs” while making out be really uncomfortable?
Chris just did a pretty good job keeping his composure with that little bomb Rozlyn dropped. This show crossed from interestingly dramatic to absurdly, contrivedly overdramatic. It’s not entertaining. I feel gross watching. How did that not get cut? Is this live?
Did Jake really just say “My heart was crying”? He’s the girliest ripped guy I’ve ever seen.
Glad to see Christina got a makeover. She’s a catch now. Jake is fascinated by how funny Christina is. Humor is completely foreign to him, so it’s pretty much the equivalent of Columbus landing in the West Indies. I just wish someone would give Jake measles.
Skipping the last 10 minutes of the show, cause, you know, I’VE ALREADY SEEN ALL THESE CLIPS THE FIRST TIME THEY WERE AIRED.
Why didn’t Corrie say a word tonight? How did she not get interviewed? First question: “Do you think that your admission to Jake that you’re a virgin is what got you sent home?” Boom, good TV.
This could be the season that makes me stop watching. Probably not, but a guy can dream.
“This has been tremendously tremendous.”—Perfect example of why the NHL should split into two divisions, an American one and a Canadian one. 10-12 teams per, and an America v. Canada Stanley Cup. Ratings bonanza. (Idea Credit - Bill Simmons, Quote Credit - Some Canadian Announcer Dude)
“A man must have a code.”—Bunk Moreland. I finally started watching The Wire this week. Needless to say, I’ve been even less productive than usual (which is saying a lot). On the bright side, I’ll definitely finish all five seasons before it’s time to start studying for finals. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go watch my fourth episode of the day.
Big week. I’m excited to discover more reasons to hate Vienna and see tons of shots of Jake shirtless on the beach.
Why is Ali in a hotel? Didn’t she quit the show and go back to work? If she quit why did they send a cameraman with her to film her staring wistfully at pictures of Jake with the Golden Gate Bridge in the background? This is really contrived, even for The Bachelor. They’re running out of schticks.
Look at that choker! It’s cute that he saved his jewelry from the mid-nineties.
Jake’s a bad dancer and a bad athlete. Quite the catch.
Roommate: “Gia looks like The Joker. Put that in there.”
It took 17 minutes to see a shirtless shot of Jake. If someone gave me an over/under of 16.5 minutes for the first shirtless shot, I would have put $100,000 on the under. I’m shocked.
How does Jake know Gia is deep? They haven’t talked about ANYTHING of substance.
Jake’s really stupid and even he thought Gia was dumb. Not a good sign.
Jake: “It was so romantic to be there in the hammock, water rushing underneath us” …Cameras surrounding us, documenting our every move…
You know how long it takes to lay out rose petals on a tub like that? Me neither, but it looks like it would take for-fucking-ever. Some poor assistant spends 3 hours setting up the room and Jake gets all the credit for not doing shit.
Producer: “Alright guys, get in the hot tub and make out. We’re going to have two cameras 3 feet from you. Just pretend we’re not here.”
Jake: “Gia grabbed a hold of my heart in the hot tub. And my heart is hard. Really really hard.”
Jake: “We just connect on so many levels.” Little does Jake know, he only has one level.
These three girls make for the easiest game of Bang, Kill, Marry ever.
Jake: “I’m the type of guy, when I fall in love…”…it’s with three girls, simultaneously.
Tenley, it’s really not surprising that you haven’t been with another man since you got divorced. You’ve been on this show for 6 weeks and you got divorced three months before that. Not a whole lot of time there.
Jake to Tenley re: the overnight: “I absolutely cannot wait to…” My roommate: “Fuck the shit out of you.”
I will unfortunately have to cut tonight’s post short because I vomited all over my keyboard when Jake and Vienna licked each other.
I really don’t understand how Jake can be so sexually attracted to Vienna. She’s ugly. Objectively ugly. Terrible face, terrible hair, terrible makeup.
My roommates were making neighing sounds as Jake and Vienna made out. The salient point here is that I’ve managed to get 4 of my 5 roommates to start watching The Bachelor.
Where’d Vienna get her “lingerie”? The Martha Stewart Collection at K-Mart?
Jake’s entire conversation with Ali boiled down to: “Listen, I just banged all three of the remaining girls, so…you’re a little behind.”
[skip to the rose ceremony because Jake and Chris’ conversation is INTERMINABLE]
Vienna looks terrible, as usual. That would be a great twist for the producers to pull: to make Vienna look pretty. Get to work.
Jake sucks. I’m going to be a way better Bachelor.
The way Gia’s final car ride should have gone: “Are you fucking kidding me? I’m a fucking model. Vienna looks like a A HORSE! What the fuck is wrong with that guy?”
Yesterday morning I was walking to school with one of my roommates. At the intersection outside of our house, there was a car in the left turn lane with its left blinker on. The car was empty. At first I thought the driver was just bending down trying to fish something out of the passenger side footwell, but further investigation revealed that the there was just no one in the car.
My roommate and I spent the remainder of the walk trying to figure out what could possibly prompt someone to pull up to a red light in the left turn lane, turn on their left blinker, and THEN abandon their car. At the very least, a normal person would put on their hazard lights or pull to the side of the road. We settled on fast-onset explosive diarrhea as the only possible answer.
Now that I’ve seen this news, however, I realize that the simplest solution is that God’s Day is coming, we’re currently in the midtribulation period and the driver was one of the saved and was raptured into heaven. Occam’s Razor, right?
Gia: “I’ve never dated someone like Jake…I usually date really rich guys. I hope ABC continues to finance our dating life when this show is over, cause I have expensive taste.”
Gia: “You tell me what you want, do you want sexy, cute…?” Jake: “SEXY! SEXYSEXYSEXY!”
Given her mother and her brother’s accents, Gia must go to great lengths to hide hers. It probably comes out when she’s at her least guarded…like in bed. “Oh my Gawd Jake, don’t stawp!”
It’s always nice when the family of (one of) the girl(s) you’re dating is openly threatening your physical well-being. Warms the heart.
If I ever had a girl who forced me to “meet” her dead grandmother…
Wait, what the fuck? Why does she still have the key to her dead grandmother’s house? Why is the only thing in the house a picture of the dead grandma on the mantle? Is this a special Halloween episode? Is Ali’s grandma going to come back and haunt Jake? This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.
Jake: “Today with Ali was great, I wouldn’t change a thing…except maybe being brought to her dead grandma’s house. That was fucking weird.”
So…Ali’s adopted, right?
Now I know why Ali’s prior relationships didn’t work out. Because she tells guys she’d marry them 4 weeks after meeting them.
Jake’s dramatically-take-off-the-gloves-and-grab-her-face move was THE CORNIEST SHIT I’ve ever seen. Then his gloves were back on in the next shot while they were still making out. That, folks, is the magic of television.
Why did they make Tenley wait 100 yards away from the car? Why couldn’t they just let her wait where they dropped him off?
I didn’t know “Oregon” was pronounced “Organ”.
I was hoping that when Jake pressed play that I’m a Slave 4 U was going to come on and she was going to start grinding into his lap. No such luck.
"This has been a really bad year for Tenley"? Bad year? How long ago did she get divorced? Does anyone else think it’s a bad idea to go on this show six months after a divorce?
Apparently crying a lot runs in Tenley’s family.
Of course Vienna has a purse dog. I didn’t think it was possible to hate her more than I already do.
Me re: Veinna’s dad crying: “Am I going to cry like that every time I see my grownup daughter?” My roommate: “You will when you see her holding my hand.”
Vienna’s Dad: “Don’t worry, I raised my daughter so she’ll be a good, subservient housewife.”
Jake: “All I have right now is hope”…and three other girls.
When Ali put her legs on his lap, I came out with: “He loves laps on his lips!” There’s a Freudian slip in there somewhere.
Good choice Ali, you’re a smart lady. You’d have gotten sick of Jake’s childlike wonder and childlike brain about 3 months after the competition of the show is over.
The combined IQ of the three women remaining on the show and Jake is probably under 175. And I’m being generous.
I can only resist ABC’s demands to apply so many times. Should I?