I was talking to my roommate about sending in our sublet agreement/security deposit/first month’s rent for our summer sublet (a pretty sweet place at 24th and 6th in the city) and he asked if I needed stamps. This is how the conversation went:
Roommate: Do you need a stamp? Me: Yeah, sure. Roommate: (Pulls out wallet and takes out two stamps). Me: Wait, you keep stamps in your wallet? Roommate: Of course. Roommate’s Girlfriend: I carry them with me in my purse. My Girlfriend: Me too. Me: Seriously? You guys all carry stamps around? Roommate’s Girlfriend: What if you’re out and you need to mail something? Me: Why the hell would I just need to mail something when I’m out?
Is carrying stamps on your person at all times a common thing that my parents forgot to teach me?
“You’re always right. It’s kind of annoying.”—Roommate’s Girlfriend, to me. To be fair, it was shortly after she started a fire in our kitchen, so she probably wasn’t being all too careful about what she was saying.
"If we publish four articles from Hebrew University, academia won’t take us seriously."
Really? Who are these people who apparently sit around and read and citecheck every article in every journal from every law school in the country? I keep hearing about them, but I find it hard to believe that they actually exist.
These rules will help keep the audience engaged and keep the Karaoke moving. And prevent me from “Boooooo”-ing every other performer like I did last night.
1. You’re not allowed to sing if you’re both tone deaf and sober. If you’re tone deaf, your BAC has to be above the legal limit to be allowed on stage.
2. No songs longer than 4 minutes. No exceptions. I’m aware that this disqualifies “Don’t Stop Believing”. That’s a good thing. It’s way out of your range anyways.
3. If you suck at singing, you’re only allowed to sing past Billboard #1s from any chart. For example, Tubthumping by Chumbawumba only reached #6 on the Hot 100 Chart, but it is allowed since it reached #1 on the Modern Rock Chart. This encourages audience participation so we don’t have to hear your shitty voice the entire time.
4. If you’re good at singing you can sing any song from any Billboard Top 10 Chart, except country. No country north of the Mason-Dixon line. I think country and rap are the only genres of music that exist south of the Mason-Dixon line, so it’s fine there.
5. If there are more than 15 people at the bar, you only get to sing once. So make it good.
What’s with the new racist Jimmy John’s commercials? A conference room full of Asian businessmen who are watching anime and can’t speak English? A Hispanic family with 12 unruly children and a horny mother? To what demographic do these commercials appeal?
“You know what it looks like? You know when a girl shaves into a landing strip, and about 2 weeks later it’s time for a new one? That’s what it looks like.”—Friend, regarding my facial hair (Sorry Mom)
The Law School Facial Hair Competition was today. My roommate won a large bag (we’re talking the size of a big beach ball) of human hair for his entry, “The Jewish Turtleneck”.
My entry, “The Conquistador”, was marred by an extremely awkward interaction with the panel of judges, comprised of four bearded professors, that went something like this:
Judge: “When was the last time you were clean-shaven?”
Me: “On Valentine’s Day.”
Judge: “Did you do that for a particular reason?”
Me: “Yes, I did it for a girl.”
Judge: “Why? Do you think that women dislike facial hair on men?”
Me: “No, it’s not that, but the girl I’m dating lives in Chicago and I rarely get to see her, so I wanted to leave her with a good memory. I didn’t want her to be all irritated…in the facial area…I’m going to sit down.”
Last night I was walking home from the bar with two of my roommates, one of their girlfriends and two of my roommate’s friends from home. As we were walking, we saw a girl on the sidewalk of a very busy street popping a squat while eating a falafel.
A girl peeing on a heavily trafficked sidewalk while eating Middle Eastern food would have been funny/disgusting enough for me…then one of my roommate’s friends yelled, “THAT IS PEE-POSTEROUS!”
We have to have two makeup classes for Evidence. Our professor scheduled them for Friday at 1PM. After he announced that, a girl raised her hand and asked, “Can you make them earlier so they don’t break up the day so much?”
Yeah, let’s have them at 8AM on Friday so we don’t ruin your leisurely lunch. Brilliant idea.
I spent the last 4 days of my spring break in Chicago, my first visit to the city since infancy (mine, not Chicago’s).
Hot dogs: Excellent, especially this place. My favorite part of Chicago. But, they’re not ubiquitous enough. There should be a hot dog place on every corner. You never have to walk more than two blocks for pizza in NYC.
Pizza: Eh. I can see why people like it, but it’s not my thing.
Neighborhoods: Cute, distinct neighborhoods that are very affordable and within easy commuting distance of downtown. This might be the only thing it has on NYC.
Bars: Nothing special. Drinks are cheap, at least.
People: Generally terrible. Douchey recent mid-western college grads who wish/think they were/are still in college. For some reason I prefer NYC’s douchey recent east-coast college grads who wish/think they were/are still in college.
I tuned in when Vienna and Jake were at some Hot Springs or something. Gimme a break, I’m on vacation.
When Vienna wrote “I Love You” on Jake’s chest, he looked down then looked at her quizzically. He couldn’t read it.
She looks really terrible without makeup on. You can’t marry a woman who looks bad in the morning. You have to wake up to that shit every day.
Again, how is Jake “so physically attracted” to Vienna? I understand that there’s no accounting for taste, but…she’s ugly.
Tonight is the first night I’m not watching in HD, and Vienna actually looks better in standard definition. Not great, but better.
Her left eye is a little lazy. Flaw #23184.
Vienna’s ex-husband must be really pissed that she keeps on talking about how she was never in love with him.
Jake is really more attracted to Vienna than to Tenley? I think he forgot his glasses at home. And I think he has a REALLY strong prescription.
Judging by Jake’s “the chemistry is building slow”, Tenley didn’t fuck him on their overnight. She better step it up tonight. She’s competing with a 23-year-old Hooter’s waitress! Vienna definitely fucks!
Tenley: “I want to have a really really good time tonight. And I want to have a lot of fun”………Yep.
Jake: “Wherever you want to drink champagne.” Tenley: “It’s gonna be in the bedroom…” as I adjust my dress……Yep.
Producer: “Jake, go stand shirtless on the balcony and look wistful.”
Why didn’t the show let Vienna get her roots done while they filmed?
They really shouldn’t have let Jake wear his own tie for the final ceremony. I’m surprised that a tie purchased at Walmart would last 15 years.
"I can’t see you not being in my life." "I think you’re amazing." "Why are we whispering?"
Jake: “And I don’t know that I’m going to be able to put it into words, because…I’m really dumb.”
Jake was looking for “passion, love, compassion and protection”. Vienna at least satisfies the protection requirement - you have to use a condom because she has 12 STDs.
Vienna looks different. Not good, but different. Ten pounds lighter and slightly more cross-eyed, maybe?
Chris: “After the break, we’ll announce that Ali will be next season’s Bachelorette.”
Ali looks better without 10 pounds of makeup on. I hope she’s banked enough vacation time to film the whole show.
A half-ass effort tonight, mostly because I hate Jake. It’s hard to make fun of someone who can barely string together a full sentence.
There were two reasons that none of planned on skiing yesterday: the USA-Canada game and to ensure we recovered from a full day on the slopes on Saturday. I managed to come out unscathed, but my older brother wasn’t so lucky - he broke his wrist, the third time he’s done so while skiing.
As such, we planned on having a big night Saturday because we’d have a day to nurse our hangovers. My brothers, having been here for a week already, befriended some locals and got invited to a huge annual party. Each winter, someone builds a massive bonfire in their yard with an even more massive kicker leading up to it and people take turns pulling tricks over the bonfire. There were going to be a bunch of kegs and ton of people.
My roommates and I decided against going, mostly because we didn’t want to stand outside in the cold and get stared at like the tourists we are. My brothers went with the people they traveled here with. My companions and I went out to dinner then to a bar in a nearby town.
After we left the bar, the eight of us piled into a vancab to make the trip back to the ranch. About 5 minutes in, I heard the cabbie tell one of my roommates that a deck had collapsed at a house party outside of town and there were ambulances and police and firetrucks all heading out there.
My heart stopped.
My older brother texted me earlier in the night, saying they were at the house party and he’d call me later to try and meet up. I hadn’t heard from him.
I called my younger brother. No answer. I called my older brother. No answer. I called my younger brother again. He picked up, but the connection was terrible and I couldn’t hear a word he said.
I texted them both the same message: “Just heard a deck collapsed wanted to make sure you guys are ok.”
After the longest two minutes of my life, my younger brother responded with “Yeah, we’re ok.”
The party they went to was well attended. The kicker was getting plenty of use, by skiers, snowboarders and snowmobilers. My older brother estimated that there were 50-70 people on a 20x20 foot deck. He claimed he saw it bowing 10 minutes before the collapse…but he also skied with a broken wrist for two days, so you can’t really trust his judgment. The deck gave out all at once and fell like a slab of rock. Fortunately, since no one was standing under it and it collapsed in one motion instead of sliding in on itself, there didn’t appear to be any serious injuries.
Needless to say, I was extremely happy to see my brothers Sunday morning.
Other than those five harrowing minutes, this trip has been wonderful. The weather’s gorgeous, the snow’s great, the mountain’s huge, the scenery is breathtaking.