In just two years, he has demolished the 100-meter dash world records with times that are superhuman — literally thirty years ahead of what they historically should be. So what if the greatest athlete alive decided to actually get serious?
I’ve said it since the 2008 Olympics ended: Usain Bolt is a better athlete than Michael Phelps and what he did was much, much more impressive.
Last night was Law School Prom. I experienced a number of foot-in-mouth moments, but this was easily my favorite. One of my roommates and a friend of ours were discussing how their ties were the inverse of each other (both Repp Stripe, one pink with navy stripes, one navy with pink stripes). Then this.
Roommate:Our outfits are almost the inverse of each other.
Friend:If only I was wearing a black shirt.
Me:Thank God you're not. Black dress shirts are hideous.
Female Friend:You mean like my boyfriend's?
Me:Ha. Oh. Well. Not with that tie combo. That looks great.
I’m taking two small classes this semester, one that is philosophy-based and one that focuses on corporate litigation. The corporate law seminar is two hours long: one hour of the Professor talking to us about what we read, and the other hour occupied by either a guest speaker or student presentations. During the guest speaker or student presentation, I don’t pay attention. There’s no final, there are no quizzes, and my Professor joins us in the audience and sits behind me, so there’s no reason to listen.
Yesterday, a girl was starting her presentation on shareholder suits in Japan, and I was beginning to space out. Then I heard her say my name and I snapped to attention. She continued on with her question: “As we all know, a shareholder derivative suit is what?”
Now, for those of you not familiar with corporate litigation, this is literally the easiest question that she could have possibly asked me with respect to the subject. The prerequisite for the seminar spends a ton of time on derivative suits and we spent perhaps the first month of the seminar discussing them. It’s the equivalent of being in a Calculus class and having someone ask you what 2+2 is.
I replied, “Ha. Well. Uh…It’s when shareholders feel wronged by a Corporation, and sue.”
That isn’t necessarily a wrong answer, but it’s certainly a terrible one. It’s like saying that World War II was “sometime in the 20th Century”.
My Professor said, from behind me, “Well that’s a D minus answer.”
The last time a team won an NCAA title without beating a #1 seed or a #2 seed on the way was UNLV in 1990. Sure, WVU was a two seed, but they were missing their starting point guard for the whole game and their leading scorer for most of it. Garbage.
I’m in the market for a beginner’s DSLR because I want to take pretty pictures but I don’t feel like doing any research. Available on ebay for cheap = bonus points. Any tips? Also feel free to email me at email@example.com if you really want to help.
“Even if college coaching doesn’t have much impact on players’ NBA potential, some schools (such as the University of Connecticut) have still been demonstrably better than Duke at churning out pro talent.”—Slate
When making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich not intended for immediate consumption, spread peanut butter on the inside of both slices of bread. Then, add the jelly on top of the peanut butter. The peanut butter buffer will prevent the jelly from making the bread soggy.
A few days ago someone (I suspect a roommate, but none will fess up) went on my computer and changed my little brother’s gchat name to that of a law student that I know well enough to not question his presence on my GChat list but not well enough to ever talk to.
I talk to my little brother almost every day, so the last few times my little brother has GChatted me, I’ve been incredibly confused as to why this guy I barely know was asking me questions about where I’m living in NYC this summer and when I’ll be there so we can hang out.
I finally figured it out today when he told me I had to get a cat for my apartment this summer so I could get a Kitty Wig.
Whoever did it, I applaud you. It was a great prank.
I was talking to my roommate about sending in our sublet agreement/security deposit/first month’s rent for our summer sublet (a pretty sweet place at 24th and 6th in the city) and he asked if I needed stamps. This is how the conversation went:
Roommate: Do you need a stamp? Me: Yeah, sure. Roommate: (Pulls out wallet and takes out two stamps). Me: Wait, you keep stamps in your wallet? Roommate: Of course. Roommate’s Girlfriend: I carry them with me in my purse. My Girlfriend: Me too. Me: Seriously? You guys all carry stamps around? Roommate’s Girlfriend: What if you’re out and you need to mail something? Me: Why the hell would I just need to mail something when I’m out?
Is carrying stamps on your person at all times a common thing that my parents forgot to teach me?
“You’re always right. It’s kind of annoying.”—Roommate’s Girlfriend, to me. To be fair, it was shortly after she started a fire in our kitchen, so she probably wasn’t being all too careful about what she was saying.
"If we publish four articles from Hebrew University, academia won’t take us seriously."
Really? Who are these people who apparently sit around and read and citecheck every article in every journal from every law school in the country? I keep hearing about them, but I find it hard to believe that they actually exist.
These rules will help keep the audience engaged and keep the Karaoke moving. And prevent me from “Boooooo”-ing every other performer like I did last night.
1. You’re not allowed to sing if you’re both tone deaf and sober. If you’re tone deaf, your BAC has to be above the legal limit to be allowed on stage.
2. No songs longer than 4 minutes. No exceptions. I’m aware that this disqualifies “Don’t Stop Believing”. That’s a good thing. It’s way out of your range anyways.
3. If you suck at singing, you’re only allowed to sing past Billboard #1s from any chart. For example, Tubthumping by Chumbawumba only reached #6 on the Hot 100 Chart, but it is allowed since it reached #1 on the Modern Rock Chart. This encourages audience participation so we don’t have to hear your shitty voice the entire time.
4. If you’re good at singing you can sing any song from any Billboard Top 10 Chart, except country. No country north of the Mason-Dixon line. I think country and rap are the only genres of music that exist south of the Mason-Dixon line, so it’s fine there.
5. If there are more than 15 people at the bar, you only get to sing once. So make it good.
What’s with the new racist Jimmy John’s commercials? A conference room full of Asian businessmen who are watching anime and can’t speak English? A Hispanic family with 12 unruly children and a horny mother? To what demographic do these commercials appeal?
“You know what it looks like? You know when a girl shaves into a landing strip, and about 2 weeks later it’s time for a new one? That’s what it looks like.”—Friend, regarding my facial hair (Sorry Mom)
The Law School Facial Hair Competition was today. My roommate won a large bag (we’re talking the size of a big beach ball) of human hair for his entry, “The Jewish Turtleneck”.
My entry, “The Conquistador”, was marred by an extremely awkward interaction with the panel of judges, comprised of four bearded professors, that went something like this:
Judge: “When was the last time you were clean-shaven?”
Me: “On Valentine’s Day.”
Judge: “Did you do that for a particular reason?”
Me: “Yes, I did it for a girl.”
Judge: “Why? Do you think that women dislike facial hair on men?”
Me: “No, it’s not that, but the girl I’m dating lives in Chicago and I rarely get to see her, so I wanted to leave her with a good memory. I didn’t want her to be all irritated…in the facial area…I’m going to sit down.”