The other day I stopped flipping channels on an episode of True Life about young newlyweds. One of the two couples featured had not only not slept with each other before their wedding, but had NEVER KISSED. Not only never kissed each other, but NEVER KISSED ANYONE. (Shocker, they’re southern.)
(Mom, I recommend that you stop reading here.)
(Seriously, stop. Or at least pretend like you didn’t read it, because dinner will be awkward tonight if you bring this up.)
First and most obvious, this is a terrible idea. Putting aside the simple fact that some people aren’t sexually compatible, and especially that it is incredibly important that kissing styles mesh (for instance, I hate playing games like “Swallow My Face” and “Lick My Chin”, which some girls apparently enjoy)…their first kiss is going to be in front of their families and friends. Weird.
AND THEN they’re going to fuck for the first time a few hours later. It’s like the worst one night stand ever, except they then have to live with each other for the rest of their lives.
Regarding their first night together, the bride said: “I don’t think anything could go wrong tonight. I think it’s all gonna be perfect.” Spoken like a true virgin. Hate to break it to you honey, but you’re going to bleed and he’s going to last 15 seconds. If you’re lucky. And that’s really about as well as the night can go. Best possible outcome: you’re bleeding and unsatisfied, he’s embarrassed and emasculated.
Most importantly: I tried to put myself in the groom’s shoes, but I couldn’t. I can’t imagine never seeing a vagina in real life and then seeing my wife’s for the first time on our wedding night. That would be terrifying. How is he supposed to know what to do to it? Honestly, vaginas can be a little perplexing sometimes. They take practice.
College Roommate 1: I got a D+ the first time I took accounting. Me: Yeah, because you would just go to class and read trashy romance novels. CR1: They were trashy mystery novels! College Roommate 2: And that was an early class! Why wouldn’t you just skip it if you weren’t going to pay attention. CR1: It wasn’t early. It was 11:00 to 12:15. We would always go to South to get lunch after, because the class was in the ITE building. CR2: Yeah, well why wouldn’t you just stay in the dorm and read there? CR1: Because then I would miss lunch…
Two of my roommates work at the Innocence Clinic at our school (though it’s slightly different because they work on only non-DNA cases), so I’ve become very aware of the sort of ridiculous injustice of which these innocent people are victims.
This is a really interesting interview with one of the founders of the nationwide Innocence Project. It’s long. You should read it all.
I cleaned out my room at home this weekend, and I stumbled on a pair of near-deadstock Iverson Answer Is (that’s “ones”, not “is”) in Patent Blue.
I had a pair of these beauties in the White/Red colorway in seventh grade, and they’re among my favorite basketball shoes ever. The DMX shit actually worked, until the pods popped. This brought to mind the pair of Jordan XIIIs that I wore in eighth grade, forever memorialized in my yearbook.
“And all that stuff about loose, passionate gypsy girls that they have in stories is a myth. I’ve been hanging around gypsies nine long years and I’ve yet to see a real gypsy tramp. As a class, they’re the straightest women in [New York City] as far as sex is concerned. Good wives, good mothers. So far as general crookedness is concerned, they’d barbecue their grandmother for fifty cents.”—Joseph Mitchell, King of the Gypsies, The New Yorker, August 15, 1942, at 24, quoting Detective John J. Sheehan
This is such a specious argument. McVeigh wasn’t a practicing Christian when he carried out his attack, nor did he do it in the name of Christianity. (Not that I agree with any of the arguments against building the “ground zero” “mosque” or think that radical Muslims should be lumped in with all other worshippers. But there are way better arguments for the Islamic community center in downtown Manhattan than this one.)
Sitting in bed eating a bowl of Blueberries and Cream ice cream from a fantastic local creamery while drinking a glass of Moscato d’Asti. I’ve turned into a 34 year old woman with two cats who just got dumped, and it’s AWESOME.
Thoughts: Since I only watch The Bachelor, I’m only going to know the women and I won’t know any of the men. So it’s going to be a lot like my actual life.
Intro montage: Pumped for the first network television foray into porn.
I’m glad Chris “I tried to cheat on my wife with Rozlyn” Harrison is back. Wonder if she’ll be on the show?
Tenley went a full 4 seconds without mentioning that her husband cheated on her. New record.
Tenley: “I’ve gone to the bathroom a thousand times.” Wait, what?
David is 28 years old and wears jeans with rhinestones on them. I think he and I would get along really well.
Nikki Sideburns is back. I wish my sideburns were that full.
At what age do women stop shrieking when they see each other? I was hoping it was 30, but apparently not…
"There’s some freakin’ hot chicks here, man." More deep analysis from the cast members.
About Gia: “It really must be hard to be that gorgeous.” Actually, it just takes about 30 grand and 6 months of recovery time.
I have no idea what happened with Craig and “Weatherman”, but I’m already bored by it.
Ah, the classic 19 bed gangbang room.
The old chick is surprised that there’s no one else from the original seasons there. Really? This isn’t MTV, honey. These people move on with their lives after 10 years. Sometimes.
ABC is really trying to push Melissa as a TV personality. Why do we need two hosts when there are 7 fewer people on this show than on regular seasons? This is never explained.
I think Tenley’s coked out. Or she’s completely sober, it’s hard to tell.
Twister in bathing suits on national TV? Generally a bad idea for people with self-respect. We’re in luck!
Tenley doesn’t know the difference between left and right. LOL.
There are a surprising number of contestants who don’t know the difference between left and right. On second thought…not surprising at all.
This show is boring as shit.
I’m sorry, I just fell asleep for 10 minutes. Did anything interesting happen? No? Good.
I’m kind of pissed that these commercial breaks are so short because it means there’s less stuff that I can fast forward through.
It’s good to know that when I’m in my late 20s and early 30s I can still talk about people “boning”.
Craig going for the “awwwwwww” factor by picking the old chick for his date. Incredibly savvy move.
That was five sprays of cologne. FIVE. This guy’s supposed to be 34, not 14.
Are patchy beards cool now? Can I grow mine out?
[Tangent] I can’t believe Vic Mackey is in a supernatural family comedy. What has this world come to? [End tangent]
I might be done with this franchise. If I have to continue to listen to idiots talk about their little idealistic Hallmark notions of love, I might throw something through my TV. And then my dad would kill me since I’m living at home for the next three weeks and this is his TV.
It’s kind of hilarious that the producers made Jessie pretend that she instantly recognized the frontman of The Calling and knew his full name. I actually had to google the lyrics that they were singing because I forgot the name of the band. I thought it was Lifehouse.
I love that the generic man-imitating-a-woman impression includes a lisp. I hope this never stops.
Tenley’s…kind of a pussy, huh?
Classic catch-22: the athletic guys are the prettiest to look at, but also the most dangerous in physical competition. What do we do, ladies?!
Is Elizabeth blackmailing a guy into having feelings for her? Yes, yes she is. I’ve seen this before in real life, and it worked…
Holy shit this show needs to be an hour long. Maybe a half hour. Or 6 minute webisodes would be great.
Does Elizabeth get IVs to replenish her fluids? She cries like 7 hours a day.
Are we really doing rose shit again? Can’t they just announce the names of the people getting eliminated? Like this show needs to be any fucking longer.
I…don’t care who got eliminated. This show sucks.
Result: I’m glad that’s over. ABC’s attempt to bastardize The Gauntlet or whatever that shitty show is on MTV is failing miserably. The gangbang room could save the season, but I’m not optimistic.