I Appreciate the Offer
On Friday night I went out to dinner a friend of mine, the inimitable Maxwell. (I really just wanted to use “inimitable” in a sentence. He’s not that great.) Afterwards, we parted ways. I went to my favorite place in the five boroughs, Upstate. I sat at the bar and made new friends, while downing oysters and beers. Well, it turns out that the beers they serve at Upstate are a little bit stronger than Bud Lights. And I probably didn’t really NEED the champagne afterwards, but you gotta live while you’re alive, right? Long story short, I was hammered.
I said my goodbyes, stumbled out and made my way home. For some reason I had the cabbie drop me off south of Times Square. Maybe I wanted to walk through Times Square when it was empty? Maybe I told him the wrong address? Maybe I jumped out of a moving cab at full speed? All possible. No one will ever know for sure.
What I do know for sure is that, while walking, I heard someone say, “Hey, what are you doing?”
I looked to my right. An extremely attractive blonde in a white Escalade on huge chrome rims was rolling alongside me.
I looked around. Just me on the street. I pointed at myself. She nodded.
“I’m walking home,” I finally replied.
“Want to get a little naughty?”
WHAT. I looked around again. Yep, still just me on the street.
I stopped walking and turned towards her car. Honesty is the best policy, right?
“I don’t mean to be rude, but are you a prostitute?”
She smirked. ”Well, I work for an escort service.”
“Ah. I don’t pay for sex. I do fine.” [Don’t worry Mom, I was lying. I don’t do fine. I don’t do anything. What’s sex?]
I gestured to her Escalade. ”You look like you do pretty well for yourself too.”
She laughed and drove away.
