My Life in Short Pants

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Jan 10

My Bachelor Rules

I’m not watching The Bachelor this year. Now that I’m a grownup with actual responsibilities like making copies and hole-punching those copies and putting those hole-punched copies in binders, I just don’t have the time to watch and recap it like I used to. Plus, I can’t steal my roommates’ jokes anymore so the recaps probably wouldn’t even be funny.

So in lieu of my old recaps, I offer you this: my Bachelor rules.

  1. Anyone with a “y” where an “i” or “e” should be in their name or a “z” anywhere in their name is out, immediately. 
  2. Oh, what’s that?  You’re here for the right reasons?  She’s here for the wrong reasons?  Guess what, if you say anything about “reasons”, you’re going home. 
  3. If you cry for any reason other than excruciating physical pain, you’re gone. I’m talking broken or dislocated limbs, not a stubbed toe.
  4. If you try to “steal me away for a minute,” you’re fired.  I’m mixing awful reality shows here, but you get the idea.
  5. You say you want to marry your best friend?  Weird, everyone I know wants to marry someone they can’t stand.  Enjoy the limo ride home.

This is also, incidentally, a list of reasons that I could never be The Bachelor.  That and the fact that I would never go on The Bachelorette, and the two shows have just become a round-robin circle-jerk clusterfuck of former contestants.

Posted at 10:28 AM 27 notes

  1. audsandends said: If you’re not going to recap, at least come to our viewing parties in LA. We have snacks and booze.
  2. makele reblogged this from sweatshorts and added:
    Loved reading this. My sentiments exactly.
  3. theclairewitch said: I find it disturbing that you know so much about this show.
  4. canttuchthis said: LIKELIKELIKE
  5. theflojomojo said: Hmm… I think the main reason why reality tv like this exists (except for HGTV, because, fuck I love that shit), is to remind the rest of us, in case we’ve forgotten, that the world continues to harbor horrible, shallow, and worthless human beings.
  6. sweatshorts posted this